LET ME TRY TO EXPLAIN...

2009-Mar-10 - This is Why

This is Why

This is why I like it so much.
Because we don't have to think.

Hypocrisy,
Impurities.....

No transgression exists when we are here.

We strive for nothing.

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2009-Mar-10 - She is Gone

Posted in Dark

She's gone and I will not see her.
She is gone.

She was here and she was sweet.
She nurtured my innocence.

I loved her.
As much as anyone loves a saint.

I did not worship her.
I only wish to see her again, and be in her company.

She may have known.

I will wright until my fingertips bleed.

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2009-Mar-6 - REAPPEARING ANGEL

REAPPEARING ANGEL

I just don't dress like it.
I feel pain every day. To wake up and face the fact that I am alone.

If after, you find me, and my life has not been swallowed by itself,
Maybe we can dream together.
I wish I could see your face now.
And touch you.
God damn you.

I love you.

I know I'm only a stronger person by being without you.
But I feel so weak without you.
How long do I have to wait to find you.
I don't want pity, I want reciprocity.
I wake up for you.

I can't ever live without you again,
So please come back to me!
I don't need you but I want you.

I want you to be an us.
Don't trip on this. Get over yourself.
Your beautiful and dark and...

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2009-Mar-6 - Emptiness

EMPTINESS

You give me that empty, unsatisfying feeling. When I talk to you there is nothing there.
On your side, on my side,
There is so much to share.
But you don't ask so I don't share.

If I did I would regret that you don't care,
To know.
You only show,
Your strengths.
The weakest parts of yourself you do not touch.
And that's where we're different.

You and I.
I share and you lie.
I share and you lie.

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2009-Mar-6 - Passion

I think I could learn something from you.
And maybe you from me.
Let's not let it be a mystery unknown.
Let's not let a drop of passion be unshown,
Until my eyes open and I see you.
Until my womb opens and I am you.

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2009-Mar-6 - Desperation

I would like nothing more than to have a conversation with you. What is desperation to you? When does someone cross the lines of desperation when it comes to love? Is it waiting? Is it thinking about that person? Is it wondering what they are doing, how they can be living there life without you at this very moment.

Is it longing? Is it lusting? Is it wanting, trusting, and holding onto an idea that doesn't exist?! I find myself in desperation when I find someone who I see, but they do not even see themselves that way. So I feel desperate to be apart of their lives to show it to them. Desperation is seeking out something in someone when they don't even possess the quality your looking for. You just wish they did. Desperation is loving someone for no reason at all. Desperation is accepting things that are unacceptable. It's climbing your own obstacles as well as others! And building trust on nothing. Relying on someone who is unreliable. It's pretty much the opposite of what you want to do because you think Maybe just Maybe...

"Reckless or dangerous caused by loss, pain, or urgency.
Having an urgent need, leaving little or no hope. Making an ultimate effort, giving all. actuated by a feeling of hopelessness."

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2008-Nov-5 - So ... Who am I?

My name's Nicole I am a loner who loves to stay home and be alone. I am a people watcher I love to analyze their problems. It makes me feel like I don't have any. I love to talk when things bother me. I'm quiet when I'm happy. I'm tired of working, tired of trying to please people. I love music, I love theatre and smart people. I love gramatically correct conversations. I love being challenged. I love impressing people. I hate feeling fat. I wish could be perfect, and have a perfect body. Sometimes I want to rip my skin off because it's not perfect. I'm thankful for my curly hair. I cringe at awkwardness. I don't think I got enough love as a child. I thank god for everyday and every blessing that comes my way. I can be self destructive. I can be cruel. I can be two faced. I want what I want. I know the meaning of bitch but don't like to be called one. I'm sensitive. I'm loyal. I don't steal. I don't like violence. I can't escape my destiny. I wish I could live to be 1000 with no pain. I believe in an afterlife. I worry about everything. I rarely have moments of feeling fullfilled but when I do I am the most emo girl you will know. I accept critisism. I don't accept critisism. I think life is a game. I try to play the hand that I get every day with desency. I love mind games. I love being in control. I love photography. I love money. I wish I had a million dollars. I feel rich even without it. My mind has files. I play stupid sometimes. I get jealous. I rarely feel hate. I'm proud. I feel for other people. and sometimes I just don't give a damn.

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2008-Nov-5 - The Future

Obama my momma, Mc Cain my sane. It's insane how I'm able to remain.

In my mind and in this body is something trapped.
It's rapped nicely in a package. With maybe some rips and tape showing.

I don't understand! I don't understand! How to get to the next level. I feel like a movie with no fast forward option. I'm stuck in this shit hole where there are no answers.

Boundaries. I hate them. I want to break them constantly. I want to take some scissors and cut through the shiny ribbon that covers my life.

so many risks have been taken, and there are none left. The only thing left for me to do is to go on the amazing race. I love that show and I want to be the winner.

I voted. and hopefully I won't ever meet up with Palin at some pool bar, on my way to getting shit faced. The last thing I need right now is a vision of myself as a MILF.

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2008-Nov-5 - My Hand

I've been typing so much my hand feels like it's going to fall off. Is there any cure for this pain that cripples my hand at this very moment. Or am I to suck it up and deal with the same level of discontent as when I have a headache? Is this the price I have to pay for unlimited text messaging combined with 8 plus hours of computer work? My limbs are not smiling.

The people of our generation are gonna have "text fingers" when someone digs up our bones 500 years from now. By that time they will laugh because they will probably have the ability to read minds. "Text Messages! huh!" They will say and the snotty ones will snivel at the fact that we were not smart enough to just know.

They will laugh for our hands and our poor poor skin that gets permanently scared up, and our bones that we can't fix.

They will fix everything that breaks.. Everything will be fixed. They will be perfect. They will have their hands and feet and skin.

But they will know nothing of what it is like to loose their soul, or have a heart.

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2008-Sep-29 - "Oppression"

Oppression. Who thought of the word?
It must have been a woman.

Women unconsciously oppress themselves, actually. Are not the women the ones who do the choosing when it comes to the men? I believe so. Why do we have to prove that we are worthy of attention by flaunting a prosthetic chest? Well maybe you like your prosthetic chest and that's the reason you got it. Unfortunately by doing that your setting a very weird standard for others. Are you caving in to the barbie doll image people imagined you to be, or is that the image you imagined for yourself and are now getting the attention you want?
Do you secretly wish that your boobs didn't cost 6k and that that cheap cream they sell on infomercials really did work? Boobs, I as much as any man love them too. They're fun. They give so much to a person's personality. If I had bigger boobs people would either A. not talk to me anymore because I would fit their description to a T of the types of people they don't talk to or B. want to **** me or C. secretly want to **** me just to see my boobs jiggle.

I was having a hard time "managing this blog" for the simple fact that when women are oppressed it is usually self imposed, and well... I really can't say that. In my case it is self imposed. I try to take responsibility for all that happens to me. and well although I don't have fake boobs, I'm not sure if this is something that oppresses us or raises us to a higher level of choices.

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2008-Sep-13 - Making Sense of Work

It's amazing how your perspective changes over time. I remember a time when I looked at someone who boasted about there job and felt disgust. I thought how could someone be so haughty about there status, that's definately not a charming quality. And I still feel that way to an extent. People who are smart do not boast about themselves. But I was thinking about where that comes from.

Experiencing it first hand, unemployment is not anything to boast about. A person's work is their life. It's their lively hood, of course they should be proud of it. and most people that have something like their own business have spent years perfecting it, and they deserve all the perks that come along with that. Including the right to be happy and boast about their accomplishments.

The unemployment was my choice. because I did not find happiness in my job anymore so I quit it before I should have, and have suffered the consequences of it. I have found a new job luckily, as hard as it is I did it. I sold myself to corporate America and they bought it. I don't think my ability to do this deserves any boasting, but if I can successfully build some kind of life from this world of debt enslavement most of us are stuck trying to dig ourselves out of, then I can be happy. I can be happy about the little things that bring joy everyday that have nothing to do with my job.

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2008-Aug-31 - Book Review Of "Get Out of Your Own Way" by Robert K. Cooper, Ph.D.

I was looking for a book that would give me a little motivation. This book was great in it's detail about the power of the mind, and using it to accomplish goals or make a complete turnaround in what you think you want. It gives 5 keys to surpassing everyone's expectations, which I found very useful. Almost every word in this book is useful, and a reader cannot afford to simply skim it's pages. The author frequently goes into detail about his relationship with his grandfather, which is where most of his influence and inspiration seem to come from. This book teaches you how to take things that are meaningful to you and use them in creating a life that is the most useful to you.

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2008-Aug-31 - Psoriasis?

Wow. This will begin a series of blogs about Psoriasis.

Or as many sufferers like to call it, simply P.
It is a noncontagious skin condition that remains with you throughout life. It is very common and effects roughly 5-8 million Americans, and many more throughout the world. The characteristics of the condition are noticeable raised red patches of skin which begin to take on a silvery- white color. The patches are most commonly on seen on the elbows or knees, but can also be seen in other areas of the body including the scalp. This condition can be misdiagnosed as tinea corpus, a fungus. Conditions may get better or worse depending on treatment. There are several different treatments available anywhere from topical treatments used twice a day, to Tumeric a South Asian root used for cooking, to Enbrel a pill. The success of treatments vary depending on the patient. The patient must go through a trial and error in finding what works best for them.

I am writing about this because a Dermatology spe******t diagnosed me on Friday with Psoriasis. I am happy to try the new medication prescribed and hope that it will make a difference in the appearance of it on my knees and elbows. I will occasionally write on this blog about it and update you. The good thing is this is a painless condition for now. However since it is chronic it can become severe and can also lead to something called Psoriatic arthritis which effects the joints. I will be looking for a support group in my best attempt to remain possitive about this. I will also be doing research on it which I hope to share with you here! Until next time... I'm Out.

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2008-Aug-24 - Maintaining What You Have

There have been several things that I've purchased that are no longer useful to me because of carelessness on my part. I recently ruined my ipod shuffle. I had it attached to my bathing suit bottom, and then decided to go for a swim forgetting all about the fact that it's not water proof! Truly sad at this moment because this kind of forgetfulness happens a lot to me, and now it's happening again! Well I took some advice and laid it out in the window for a few days to dry out. You can do this with cell phones to get rid of the red dot that indicates it's been in water. So a few days later I charge my ipod up like normal. Plug my earphones in, and voila! It works!

I also had an episode recently with a phone I've had. I called asked for a new one. Sent the old one in once I got the new one and Voila! It Works! Patience is a virtue people.

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2008-Aug-24 - Free Money

I'm sure you've heard this in the past 3-6 months. "With our failing economy and the mortgage industry crash..."
The I hear it the more I try to ignore it. Its beginning to take an emotional toll on people. Fortunately I did not purchase a home last year. It was one of my goals and I was excited to be a new homeowner, but a Thirty Year Fixed Rate being the smartest and best loan you could have chosen was not something I looked forward to. So I passed on that decision and decided to remain a renter. I am content with my decision now, and continue to look elsewhere for what my purpose truly is. It is obviously not to be a homeowner at this point in time.

My point is accountability for your decisions. I think now it would not be a bad Idea to go back to school at this time. There is grant money out there. New students are treated well. You do have to Keep your eyes open to what is offered, and be smart about what you accept. There are so many ways to keep your money in your pocket. Look for deals. Shop around. Don't splurge until you truly can afford the consequences.

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2008-Jul-25 - Cheap Shots

It's important to have patience with other people. And understand that their perspective is their perspective and there is nothing you can do to change it. When someone is frustrated with you and doesn't know how to tell you directly they may indirectly take a cheap shot at you.

The definition by thefreedictionary.com :

Noun

cheap shot - an unnecessarily aggressive and unfair remark directed at a defenseless person

It is also seen in sports to be an unsportsmanlike action or series of words.

I may be a cheap person when I have no money. I may act not in accordance with others expectations of me. I may misunderstand my role in someone's life. But I don't take cheap shots at people. The person my try to disguise the cheap shot by using a monotonous voice. Or they may print the words for all to see including yourself, which is probably aimed at getting a response. But will get them no where.

The cheap shot in my opinion cannot be used for any other purposes other than to evoke negative emotions in the person it is aimed at. Name calling is by far the most popular cheap shot a person can use against you. Quick, short, words with a negative undertone.

How to Handle a Cheap Shot
1.) Understand that you are not the cheap shot.
2.) Demand an apology or explanation.
3.) Realize that this person does not share your perspective on life.
4.) Talk with a friend to get an outsiders opinion.
5.) Avoid the topic of discussion with that person until he/she can express themselves without using cheap shots. ( If they are using the same one repeatedly.)
6.) Disassociate yourself with the person who continues to be unaccepting of you as you are.
7.) Forgive the other person.
8.) Realize what an unbecoming trait this is and try to avoid it yourself.

Most Popular Arenas For Cheap Shots

1.) Political campaign commercials
2.) In the courtroom
3.) Tabloids
4.) Relationships gone bad
5.) lighthearted settings with friends
6.) Sports
7.) Sermons

Highly Unlikely to Find Cheap Shots In These Areas
1.) Loving relationships
2.) Trusting relationships
3.) mutually respectful relationships
4.) Places of Worship

Once you have recognized the cheap shot, do your best to overcome it with charisma and strength. You will come out respecting yourself more, and clearly communicating to the other person that you are not going to play this game. If however, you do want to play the game here on some pointers on how to be good at it.

Find the Person's Weak Spot
----------In the course of your relationship with this person, where there any subjects that seemed to excite them in a negative way? If so play up on these, and you will be sure to strike a cord with them.
-----------If you can't find the weak spot, use some general derogatory terms and see which one they respond to.
-----------If they do not have a weak spot, create one. This is easily done by attacking their personal appearance, family, something they cannot change, etc.

The Right Moment
-----------When you are feeling like their are no other options for expressing yourself.
-----------When you see the person has let their gaurd down.
-----------When you are in the heat of an argument.
-----------When other people are listening.

Conclusion
No matter what which course you take try to be good at what you do. For this will only magnify your true character, and bring you closer to what you want. Thank you for listening and once again good luck out there!!

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2008-Jul-24 - What if Analysis

This is for those of you who have used this function in excel.

What if you couldn't trust the news. But you had clues as to what was true. What if you lived each day as if it was your last and found that the time for you to make a change is now, within yourself. What if it wasn't your last day and you had an opportunity to live longer. What if you lived in ignorance and truly felt all your choices have been chosen for you by someone else?

What if you knew your life would end someday and that someone with the power could give it back to you.
What if your main source of information had been taken from you and you had nothing to rely on? What if you had been chosen to speak for something greater? What if you saw through in an instant what many spend their whole life trying to figure out? What if you knew who you were and what your purpose and destination was but chose to take a different direction? What if you knew you could reach your full potential by confiding and allowing yourself to be guided by something greater, and you chose not to for the sake of pride? Let excel try to figure that one out.

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2008-Jul-24 - Today July 24th, 2008

I had it sternly set in my mind that I would vote for Obama. The cooks at work are trying to convince the one cook who can vote, to vote for Obama. But then a messenger came in a little morro who might have changed my mind to it all. He pointed to the dollar bill, it said "in God we trust."
"Who is God," I replied he's different to me than he is to you.
He shook his head, " He is the same." My mother tells me the same thing. God does not change, it is us who tries to make him be what we want him to be, but will that gain us salvation. Salvation from what? This existence that we cannot escape from.
He tried to convince me to consider voting for McCain. He said, "If you have faith."
I told him that my mother will not vote this year. "If I want to be a person of faith, I'll vote for no one. That is faith."
He shook his head, " you have to take action. If you want to live for 60 years, you eat right and take care of your body right? You have to take action."
"You just told me that Obama says he will do one thing and then does another? Who's to say McCain won't be the same way. If I vote for no one, and let God make the choice."

I can't believe these words coming from my mouth, because for the past while I've labeled myself Agnostic instead of Christian. But it's days like today that bring me back to my deep seated beliefs. Is this morro just a figment of my imagination. His intent for the conversation wasn't reached, but it lead me to a different but familiar conclusion.

I pointed to my delicious nacho's the cook had made me, "I have no money, and yet I have food, who did that for me? It was God."

God will take care of you, this is what the bible says. If only you trust in him.

I looked at the dollar bill and asked again, "Who is God?"

Does he have a name? He does and the name is what first sent my mother on a search for truth in Christianity and not Catholisism. and this name is what answers my question, Jehovah!

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2008-Jul-23 - Are We More Like the Dinosaurs or Early Hominids?

That depends who you are. Let me explain the dinosaurs from my perception, a ruthless huge, overpowering kind of animal, some of them were small too. some of them were meat eaters, some of them were vegans. They ruled the earth for over 160 million years. Some of them tore threw life damaging their bodies as they went along chasing other animals to eat, or running to escape predators. Many people today consciously damage their bodies because something inside their brain tells them that this will make them feel good. Some dinosaurs for breakfast would steal other animals eggs and grab a piece of leaf to dip in the yoke. Grinning with every bite. I love eggs don't get me wrong here. I love dinosaurs.

But the dinosaurs are dead. They are gone. Only some ancient animals who's ancestors were from that time still remain. Like turtles. The dinosaurs climate changed on them and they weren't smart enough to stop it or change themselves so they could survive it. If your not sure if dinosaurs existed I suggest you take anthropology. It teaches you alot about people too. Many students don't pay attention in this class because it is kind of an easy A. Easy to pass but alot to miss if you don't pay attention.

Now let me tell you about the hominids or hominins. Males and Females. Males either had many females at once or none at all. The females had relations with the biggest baddest Males, and would have his child and wait around for him to come back if he ever left. Females build stong relationships with one another but used a ranking system. Wait your turn, your time will come. Until then be patient and play your role in society. Their social system was complex. If you were fortunate your mother or father was one of the dominant males or females within the group that had major priveledges. Such as eating first when food came in. And having a low chance of being left to die if one of your parents were killed. They believed in adoption.

They used tools to strategically hunted other animals. They had vicious amounts of hair which protected them at the time because they weren't smart enough to make clothing yet. They noticed details about their surroundings and new when they or their family were in danger. Either from rival hominids or from the surrounding area or larger animals like the saber tooth.

When danger came they fought. They fought with everything they had, intimidation, scheeming, calculating. and when it was time for the world to change, because the world was changing, the only ones who survived were the ones who took on a different perspective and forced themselves to see ahead and make it through. And those who didn't are gone. Long gone.

People today may believe that the dinosaurs were stupid, or that hominids didn't exist. It always awes me what you find in the mirror. Even millions of years later we are still the same beings, who occupy this earth. That is slowly fading in our hands. Whether your a republican or a democrat you will always hate the things that most irk you about yourself. And anything you have will be taken from you if you let it go. Ask and you shall receive.

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2008-Jul-23 - THE iPHONE

I almost sold my MacBookPro to get the new iphone. I thought it would be worth it to have the most recent technology that everyone's been musing over since it's release this month. I contemplated what it would be like to rely solely on the phone, and not have a personal computer. It seemed like it would actually work and that I could use the iphone for just about everything I use my computer for. Emailing, phoning, looking up local numbers, pictures, text messaging, gps, etc. Sad thing is my computer is not even worth what I'm paying for it now. I was slapped with a ridiculous finance charge from the company I charged it. This happened because I paid the minimum payments online every month for 2 years. Little did I know Alerts were being shown to me in the actual bill, in the pdf format I never looked at. I know I should have known that I was on a 24 month payment plan, and paid higher payments in that time.

So now I'm stuck with it. And for the two years I've had the MacBook I haven't even experienced all of it's capabilities yet. Until I recieved the finance charge. The writing program on it is text edit. Which is hard to send files to someone who doesn't have text edit. I ended up using a friends PC for the use of their Word program. This began to be a great hasle, and still is, since I haven't purchased Word for it yet. I did buy an excell program for school but it was the 2003 version. And little did I know the 2003 version is NOt compatible with Mac's. THeir goes another 100 dollars.

I would love to buy all these things if I had the money believe me. But I did buy a few things to pamper the old Pro. Screen cleaner from the Apple store. After 2 years of hands on this baby shines from a rub down. I also bought the shuffle. Which motivates me to actually go to the gym. I don't have that many songs I can listen to in that amount of time so the storage space is perfect. A new computer bag by Jackie makes lugging the thing around more bareable.

So I've made the economical descision to make the best out of what I have for now. and stick with my computer who's warranty ran out the first year. We'll get along just fine, me and him. My soul mate. Any damages that occur from now on will be expensive, but that's why I'm taking better care of my friend, and appreciating him more to make sure he leads the most longest, prosperous life that he can in my hands. lol.

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